still waters (2.6)
Since I was in the 5th grade, I’ve suffered from regular insomnia. I’ll lay in bed, awake, for sometimes four or five hours before I can manage to turn my brain off and fall asleep. Over all this time, my mother has been so kind to me, waking up when I would tip-toe into her room and ask her to pray with me or bring me water, or simply wait awake with me in my agony. Even in college, it was not uncommon that I would call her at two in the morning, just needing someone to witness me, to pray for me. Insomnia is oddly terrifying, and deeply lonely, and somehow, she never minded that I robbed her of sleep in the hope that I might have some myself. One of the things she taught me to do was recite text to myself, slowly, that I find soothing or comforting in the midst of the panic and anxiety preceding sleep, and for me, that became Psalm 23. To this day, I will lay in bed, saying it over and over and over in my head until my mind allows my body that coveted rest.
This song, based off a variety of texts and stories I love, including Psalm 23, feels like that. I wanted to write something to soothe my soul, deeply lonely, lying awake and afraid in the middle of a very long night. Something that reminded me that God, like a mother, like my mother, sits on the ground beside my bed, breathing with me, stroking my hair. That God is on the other end of the phone, ready to talk to me whenever I need it. That I may not be able to sleep, but I am not awake alone.
I hope the words of this song can speak to you, and soothe your heart as we wait for rest, as we wait for morning to come, and declare to you that you are not alone.
featuring Jill Kuhlman
We wait at the edge of your kingdom
For a glimpse, a glimmer of light
A sign that your kingdom is coming again
That we’ll make it through the night
Like the beggar outside the gates of the city
Like the woman we deemed unclean
We reach for your wing as we run through the rain
Then it’s warm, and nature is singing
And we find ourselves at still waters
Running deep and full of peace
And you restore all that was broken
You are all we need
At the stream making glad your kingdom
You are all I need.
Our water’s been poisoned with hatred and fear
We flee and our fear blocks the sun
Injustice and violence have hold on today
And we break into a run
And you see us beside the well in the desert
Then you lift my head and I sing
“Here I have seen him who looks after me,”
And you lead us into your kingdom
On the waters you made, in a boat on the waves
We fall and we cry out in fear
On the waters you made, in a boat on the waves
You, our God, are here
