a forty minute quick write

Hello my sweet readers,

I’ve decided a few things for the blog today. A few things I just want to say briefly as I sit on the patio of Panera for a dear friend I am about to see, the sounds of Highway 85 North running through the background. I decided I’m just going to write the words I have to say today, and that will be that. I had to do an essay once for a class at Wheaton where we only had two hours to write and then whatever we had written was what we turned in, and I think I should like the blog to be like that today.

Forty minutes with Alyssa’s insides. OKAY GO.

For some reason, anxiety likes to swarm up into my body on Sunday nights. At first I thought it was because of blogging, like blogging is what makes me anxious because I’m putting all these thoughts out into the great unknown void without a ton of immediate verbal or written feedback. It could be my never ending need to impress/get an A+ on everything I do, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at things), blogs are not assignments that get a grade. But the last two weeks, I haven’t blogged, and I’ve still been anxious on Sundays.

There are two possible reasons for this: 1. I’m used to working my tail off on homework all day long on Sundays and the whole concept of resting confuses the habit formed in the last eight years. 2. The reality that another week is about to begin slowly seeps into my body and my body demonstrates its resistance in rearing the ugly head of anxiety.

Now this anxiety is not really a “I’m specifically anxious about this one thing” but more of a general cloud of “fluttery-in-my-chest-and-need-to-run-away” type of thing. My acting professor, Mark, always said that the devil works in the periphery, meaning that whenever we have fears or doubts, they hide in the dark recesses of our imagination, off to the side, disabling our ability to whack them away. By contrast, Jesus works right in front of our eyes. He doesn’t try to be sneaky with us, but comes out in the open.

So, how to combat this periphery anxiety, an unclear apprehension of the week ahead that feels like yet another week in which I’m taking one step forward and two steps back?

We arrive now at the reason why I am writing tonight: because I need to verbal process with you, any of you, all of you! Because I have to remind myself that I existed as a woman, maker, artist, citizen, Christian, outside of my life in California, and I exist as all of those things inside my life in California too. Because it feels like a journal and I’m at this Panera without my journal.

So, how do we combat anxiety that follows even after the loveliest weekend surrounded by beautiful people from near and far?

What I usually do is call my mom, who usually talks through life with me and knows immediately what the deal is. The soup of my insides consists of my trying to maybe do grad school or try to audition next year and pick monologues and what does that life look like for me, wishing desperately I had remembered my book because I’m too tired to read at night and I’ve renewed it three times from the library, feeling like I am losing my musicality for lack of practice and not knowing what to do about that, seeing pictures of pals in Chicago, am I running out of time for grad school, should I have worked on work this weekend, I still haven’t posted a recipe on my blog for weeks, will my students come to tutoring this week, should I have done more, I forgot about my laundry getting wrinkled in the dryer, and the constant feeling that I’m running out of time! And gosh darn it: trying to please people with this blog, that seeking for affirmation and wishing with all my heart I could see the future.

I’m not sure what to do with/about all that, other than remind myself of the truths I know and read more Mary Oliver.

And then God says, Alyssa- cease striving and breathe for a second, friend. Ride on my wings.

And then God says through the voice my dear teacher Kailey Bell: Alyssa- life is long. The life of the artist is a life of faith, and God has made you an artist. God is not going to make you an artist and then not let you get to do art.

And then God says through the voice of Mark Lewis: Alyssa- I wish for you to be still, don’t just do something- stand there. Relax the corners of your mouth and speak just like you’re speaking to your best friend.

And then God says through the voice of the pastor this morning: Alyssa- it is a new season and I am going to walk through it with you.

Patience, patience, patience.

Combat your anxiety, protest despair, by adding just a few new things to your list of ordinary miracles. Protest despair by committing anew to living in your place.

By clinging to kind words from a dear friend, Annie Varberg, who I met up with this weekend. Clinging to walks through Half Moon Bay and watching the sunset and DOLPHINS and tiny birds that scuttle across the waves.

By remembering that the Spirit of Christ lives inside my body.

By committing to playing piano and making acting work just like I commit to going to yoga (Mom’s idea).

By deciding to say ten specific, positive things to my students each day, even when I feel inadequate or at a loss for patience.

By soaking up smiles, by being a friend, by ceasing to worry about where I might be going in the future (because it’s only OCTOBER, and God will make it abundantly clear).

By renewing my commitment to look for abundance.

By listening, by releasing my shoulders, by opening my eyes.

By hearing words of kindness from friends and strangers, speaking truth into me that I am courageous and brave and strong, even when I don’t necessarily feel like that all the time (or ever, who am I kidding).

By remembering that OH MY GOODNESS God called me out of this boat, God called me into a foreign land, and here I am!

By rejoicing in the fact that I am playing music for my church’s young adult group next week, instead of worrying that I will not be good enough.

By ditching this STUPID anxiety and replacing it with gratitude for all these wonderful things, for new friends, for an opportunity to learn from so many in such a new place, for kind strangers who might stop being strangers soon, for my sweet students, for voices calling “Ms. Alyssa!”

By welcoming conversations with friends who feel the same kind of way I do as we all learn a new way of being in the world.

By ever looking for angels, listening, being with people, a new energy and a new push into the work.

Oh Lord, use me. Show me how to have grace for myself. May you pull me out of the pit of anxiety and into the grace you have for me, not worrying but living this life!

-Alyssa

P.S. Even now I feel like I should apologize for always posting the same type of posts! Why! NO APOLOGIES!