50 days of gratitude, or, advent reflections
About two and a half months ago, I was on a hike with a becoming-friend from work, both of us on the cusp of turning twenty-three. In the middle of our sporatic conversation, as hike-conversations tend to be, she asked me, "what are some of your goals for 23? What do you want to get out of it?"
I paused for a moment, considering. My go-to answer in these sort of situations is some type of not-so-witty joke, something like "eating lots of food" "anything that will make it better than 22" or "saying 'screw this', and moving to France." I have chalked 22 up as one of the most difficult years of my life, as I mentioned in my last post, and so those sort of snarky comments re: turning 23 are challenging to avoid.
However, in an uncharacteristic manner, I gave it some real thought and answered, "I want to be more aware of where I am and being grateful for what's around me, rather than just rushing through where I am to get to the next thing." And then I realized, that was true. It was one of those moments where you don't realize you feel a certain way until you say it, and then the light bulb flickers on: a signal that of course that's exactly how you feel and how could you possibly not have noticed that before??
A couple weeks then passed by, October rushing past in a wind of weeping and struggle (one of the hardest months of being in San Jose) and I plopped down in November, yearning for a close of 2018 that left more room for breath and reflection than the previous ten months. And then, as I crawled into bed on November 5th to journal, I discovered (and quickly double-checked on my calendar, to make sure I wasn't about to look extremely stupid) that Christmas was fifty days away. And then, it hit me. For the sake of being present and showing thankfulness for what's around me, often difficult to do, I was going to create a ritual for myself. A ritual I entitled "50 DAYS OF GRATITUDE!" (and yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that in my journal.)
I've always loved advent- the time leading up to Christmas, in which we as Christians prepare our hearts for the coming of Jesus. We spend the four weeks before meditating on, thinking of, praying about and searching for what it means that our God became a human being in order to be with us, to make his dwelling with us, to live in our neighborhood. For a lot of my growing up, advent was just a countdown calendar, where I would open a flap and get a piece of candy out of the tiny holes. But (especially) since going to college, and learning more about the importance of rituals and preparation and Mary and the Holy Spirit, advent has taken on a whole new meaning.
There are several different things I usually do, but this year, in addition to reading a poem each day from Luci Shaw's incredible poetry anthology Accompanied by Angels, (highly recommend), I logged one thing a day that I am thankful for- one different thing each day. It served for me as an incredibly beautiful pre- and into advent ritual that I was able to soak in, something that forced me to intentionally look at the world around me and see the ordinary miracle, the little whispers of the Spirit that surround and permeate my body and my life. This year, more than most, I felt the advent heart take residence within me and that in itself is a gift.
So (you probably saw this coming from a mile away), for the first post of 2019, I want to share with you those fifty things I was grateful for at the end of 2018.
I know that I originally said that I would write this blog in order to keep everyone posted at home, and to tell the stories of people I see and work with, but oh my friends, that is so hard. I often do not know how to tell the stories of the community I'm around, or I don't feel qualified to tell them, or I hold them so closely to my heart that writing about them would be a much larger endeavor and would probably come with a lot of tears. Maybe that is a later project.
But what I can do, all I can do, I think, is to share bits of my heart with you as I grow in this little spot on the West Coast, and learn to love so many different people. And I think, as I learn to tell my story in the small ways I know how to, as I work out my faith in a new place, as I practice believing my story is worth telling, those stories of others come too, because those stories have weaved themselves into my heart.
50 DAYS OF GRATITUDE! (started on November 5th, one each day until Christmas Eve)
WORDS that encourage, that tell stories, that mean things...
LIGHTS: candles flickering at Taize, sunlight is a commodity...stars
LAUGHTER and the way it is always like an unexpected gift: free and a brief and beautiful moment of togetherness (Danny)
NEW FRIENDS like Neeja who likes getting dinner with me and sweet Garrison who is gonna go to the concert with me!
CHANGE of hearts, of lives, of location- the whole idea that YOU AREN'T STUCK, that forward movement exists, that hope exists
COOKING new things, watching people cook, the reliability that things will turn out okay
YESIE CHANG (of, if this fits under no. 4) GETTING CHILLS when something is especially good or lovely, like your body is telling you- remember when you did this
My FAMILY and that is so easy to talk and laugh with them
HUGS and physical touch in general, from people who can tell you need it (isn't it funny how our body is like- I need to touch another body because I need connection)
ARENA THEATER and how it changed my whole life and taught me about being an artist
YOGA and a functioning body!
GROCERY SHOPPING: one of my favorite activities of all! there is such pleasure in it
CELEBRATION of holidays, of memories, of every day moments, of small victories that feel bad (friendsgiving)
BETTY RUTH and the kind generous soul and friend she is to me here
MY KIDS and the ease that is finally, finally coming
AIRPLANES and travel travel travel travel
HOME and that it feels like a safe place to be, and want to be, together (Dad)
TOGETHERNESS for Thanksgiving, for the 5k ("that was really fun") (Abigail)
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS and putting them up together (Nate)
HEALTH of loved ones, of body, of Spirit (Mom)
Winter BLUE SKY and the big expanse, fresh cold air, flushed cheek feeling, and all that comes with it
MARY, MOTHER OF GOD and her willingness, her example, her bravery
That heart feeling of PEACE and the inexplicable assuredness that yes, it is Emmanuel
BIRDS that sing despite (because of) the rain, and remind me of London, and angels
WATER and the feeling as it trickles down my insides, water falling from the sky, clean water, water washing and making things fresh and new and bright
MUSIC, especially in unlikely places by unlikely people
TRYING NEW THINGS (places, food, adventures of all sorts)
COLOR that seems to magically appear, as if to reassure it's been there all along
EMMANUEL, God with us, in us, the image of the invisible
FLAVOR and just the immense pleasure it is to cook and eat delicious food
MORNINGS to wake up, start anew, try again (and, the best part, with breakfast and tea)
DANCING and moving and bodies!
MY CAR that makes it possible to go places
the feeling of walking through BIG CITIES- so much, so many!
ADVENT, and learning to wait
PHONE CALLS to and from dear hearts I miss deeply, daily (Carolyn)
BREATH & LIFE and the little joys that make life possible and worth while
KINDRED SPIRITS and best friends (Jill)
WORKOUT and what it taught me about being an artist Christian, caring for others and for myself
GIFTS of kind gestures, of kind words, receiving, giving, surprises
creating WRITING// also, SOLITUDE and time to breathe
MAKING food, crafts, art, even just painting salt and pepper shakers
SECOND CHANCES, forgiveness and trying again (no feeling is final!) (Victor)
STORIES and books
COWORKERS, co-servants, that make coming to work feel like a beautiful team endeavor
SPACES that are mine, rooms that enfold me into them, space to cook and sleep and be
SKY and clouds and sunlight (from the airplane) (p.s. just realized now I kind of had this one already... oh well)
PLAYING PIANO and making music with people I love
TRADITIONS and rituals that make seasons special
MEMORIES of past seasons, and making new, beautiful ones.
So, dear friends, I hope these messy, little bits of life will aid all of us in stepping bravely into this new year, letting the things we love about life- the little and the big- propel us into a life full of purpose and light.
Happy 2019, everybody. Talk to you soon.
-Alyssa