spring in twenty-twenty

"You can't keep the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair." (sharon creech // walk two moons) 

I've been meaning to write.I have! There a little notes, full of ideas, scattered around my life- on the back page of the book I've been reading, on my phone, on sticky notes, on various pages of my journal, snippets from the never-ending sea of words in the current of my brain. But, I haven't been able to get myself to sit down and write anything since (I am appalled to say) January 15th, which is exactly three months ago. In February, I visited Regent College's graduate program to which I've been accepted. This sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety about my future. And then, as March dawned and I just about worked through my feelings and was ready to write, our lovely little friend Covid-19 appeared. You can probably fill in the rest from there.

I don't really want to write about the virus, and you probably don't want to read anything else about it, because that's all people are writing and reading about these days. If I hear another person use the phrase, "the new normal," I might throw myself off the edge of the proverbial cliff. In the past three months, I have wanted to write a story about my great-grandparents, and about my thoughts about grad school, and lent. Two days ago, I sat down to write about these things, and instead, I accidentally wrote about the virus, even though I didn't want to, because the virus is the backdrop of everything right now and it's hard to shake. So, after some fresh air and thinking, I am in my window seat again, starting over!

One of the best quarantine things that has happened so far is that for the first few weeks, my dad read his favorite book to us aloud: Walk Two Moons, by Sharon Creech. I've mentioned it in the blog before, because it also happens to be one of my favorites. We have since finished it- it's short, so if you haven't read it, I highly recommend reading it aloud to your household as well. (I also feel compelled to say, if you do decide to read it, DO NOT read ahead. You should never read ahead, but especially not in this one.) There is this line in the book that I've been thinking about a lot recently in relation to, well, everything. It says:You can't keep the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair. I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I like it especially because it seems really useful for navigating life these days, because it doesn't say, "ignore the birds of sadness" or "go hunting for the birds of sadness" in order to keep them from nesting in your hair. It seems to me to say that you have to acknowledge the sadness, you have to see it and live underneath it, but just because you acknowledge it, you don't have to let it move permanently in. It's really hard to keep those birds of sadness from nesting in your hair, especially because there are quite a few around nearly all the time.

All this to say, I've been trying to process the way our lives have collectively changed, trying to see the birds of sadness in front of my eyes instead of in my hair. When I am not working, I have been playing games with my family, cooking, playing piano, listening to good music, and trying to write some of my own. We've been enjoying the springtime in Boise, truly one of the best springs we have had in awhile. We have a running list of brilliant things (inspired by a play at Boise Contemporary Theater my family and I got to see before the theater closed down), with things like "when a polaroid turns out perfectly," "laughter," "slow, quiet mornings," and "peanut butter chocolate chip cookies" on it. Somehow these things- reminders of how life is still going on, despite the deep tragedies- have helped.

Mainly, though, the thing that's been helping the most is writing poetry. It's helped as I try to wrestle with the questions that I still don't have answers to, as I ask the birds of sadness to leave my hair, as I try to figure out how to transition this quarantine from Lent (where it seemed to fit), to a season of Easter and celebration (where it seems, frankly, impossible.) It's the only thing I can seem to write these days, so instead of a slightly insensitive essay on the virus, I just want to share some of my poems with you that I've written in this time. A few are from a poetry collection I was invited to participate in for The Great Vigil of Easter- part of the traditional liturgy around Easter that recounts God's faithfulness throughout the Old Testament (a huge gift to have something special and collaborative to work on during this time of social distancing and isolation.) I think that's all I need to write about it, so without further ado, I present: springtime in twenty-twenty: a collection.

Thank you all, again, for all your love, and your generosity, and your prayers, and your support. You have my heart.Please reach out, any time, whether to talk poems or writing or music or birds of sadness or life! I will do my best to respond to you and not accidentally forget to respond, as I tend to do on occasion... ;)Stay well, dear friends. This is not the end.-alyssa

p.s. If you liked the poems, and feel like you want more, the entire aforementioned Vigil Collection can be read and downloaded here. It's quite beautiful, and is written by many of my dear friends. It also explains more about the project, and the Great Vigil in a more detailed way than I did above. :)

p.p.s. For life update sake: I am still working at Trader Joe's, which, although difficult, is manageable. Thank you to those of you who have offered sweet words and prayers of support. It means a lot. My sister is back from college until the fall so all five of us Stadtlanders are back in the house again! It's nice to have my roommate back, I won't lie to you there. I'm praying about graduate school still, though it will probably look different than I previously thought- sometimes things don't shake out how you expected! Ain't that the truth. Family is all well and healthy, praise God, but if you are the praying sort, we would love prayers for my grandparents and great-grandparents especially for continued health. Thank you :) Let me know how I can pray for you, too. We are in this together.